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Sunday, October 12th, 2003
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Wow....lol. I just reread almost everything in here. Retracing all my emotions and all the little momments of drama...pretty funny stuff..
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Bring on the ChAoS.
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Sunday, December 23rd, 2001
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| Subject: | Blech |
| Time: | 12:37 pm. |
| Mood: | pissed off. | | Music: | My mom crinkling wrapping paper *smack*. |
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Who's not in the Christmas spirit? ME! O yea. I was all excited that the winter break was coming up and all. So it's friday, I had gotten 3 hours of sleep in 2 days because of a godforsaken essay combined with my christmas card efforts, i had made plans to chill with theresa from anytown. It's after school and me dan, eileen and nan were going out to lunch. I would still be able to meet theresa in time cause dan promised me a ride. About 30 minutes later, Dan says he doesnt have the car. I felt a very strong urge to hit him....very hard. So i ran to the bank to get some fun monmey. Ran to the lightrail, met anthony and heather along the way, ran up to our meeting place...late....waited for 45 minutes...and no theresa. God damn me. SO i wound up hanging out with the couple that is forever glued together...not fun. I wound up getting all depressed. Anthony always makes me feel...i dunno..unwanted whenever heather was around. She was being cool and trying not to give off the 3rd wheel vibe. Anthony did'nt seem to give a flying f()ck. So i left early, and picked up Legend and Labyrinth on the way out at Suncoast. I got home and, laid down in bed, popped Legend in, and fell asleep at 8 o'clock and I didnt wake up until 14 hours later.
Saturday - woke up got cleaned, went out driving with my dad, went to work....i hate people....my cousin comes into the store. This is the first time i've seen her in months. I was eager to talk, she leaves rather quickly...her bf ryan was waiting for her. I close at 10:58 PM. only to realize that i didnt have my key. Called home talked to dad, he couldnt find my key, talked to mom, it was right on top of the table. What do you expect from to high and drunk ass-holes. :). Dad takes 15 minutes to walk 2 blocks to bring me the key. Strong urge to kill on sight. Lied to parents and said i was meeting someone at the pool hall. Plan succeeded. WOuind up wandering broadway for 2 hours until nearly 1 am. how fun. Im so pathetic. No one to care, no one calls. I know the phone works both ways, but i tried that a long time ago. it never worked then so why would it work now. Conclusion: FUCK EVERYONE! *i'm in such a jolly mood*
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3 RaGiNg InFeRnOs - Bring on the ChAoS.
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Wednesday, December 19th, 2001
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Friday, November 23rd, 2001
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Yea...i dont really post here anymore. If you desire to keep up with my twisted and frantic life, then feel free to gaze at my journal at www.deadjournal.com/users/kurukulla
Laterz, yall
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Bring on the ChAoS.
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Wednesday, November 7th, 2001
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Ship's an ass.
I think i am going to be a hypocrite ans start a dead journal. There are more like minded people there so it seems....BLAH. I enjoy talking in an Indian accent with Meggie Poo in Photo 2!
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Bring on the ChAoS.
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Tuesday, November 6th, 2001
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Monday, November 5th, 2001
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Yayness:
- My SAT score went up 70 points to a 1260.
- Mrs. Merkowsky loved our presentation.
- I got six points added onto my final average for physics
Booness:
-Mrs. Oliver is threatening to fail me, Eileen, Dan, Waquas and Mike because we missed ONE of her classes for a school function...meanwhile she merely lightly scolds those who have missed nearly every class for no apparent reason
- Jennypoo is still really upset
- I have to take the makeup test for history tomm 4th period and an essay part of teh test 1st and 2nd which he neglecte4d to inform my class about -Ship sucks big moose cock
- It's freezing cold in here
- Im too fat
- Veronica screwed me over in Spanish today and now i got a bad class grade
- I still have yet to get my physical so i can fence
- I still have to work on all my applications - shit
- I still need to get all my letters of reccomendation
- Gotta start the literary art magazine while working in the same office as that duckless son of a bitch mr p
- ITS REALLY FREEZING COLD IN HERE
- Theres no PEER this week
- I gotta get Missy her B-day present
- I have to work tommorrow and thursday
- I have that term paper to write this weekend for Ship - Bastard...
- My Mom is a btich
- Still lonely as fudge
- I need a bf - but with what time HAHA!
- and im cold....
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Bring on the ChAoS.
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Sunday, November 4th, 2001
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Man, I am totaly exhausted. I jsut finished a spanish paper that was due 4 days ago...oops. It sucks so bad and she's probably gonna know i used an online translator. But does it sound like i give a flying fuck? haha. I had rehearsal all day with my group for our play for english class. I think we're pretty well organized. Dan and Mike need to remember when they gotta change and say their lines though. We have the stupidest costumes. I still love the fact that Waquas wears a cardvoard box as armor and a colander for a helmet. lol. And Dan and Mike dressed as horses ....man thats hysterical. If they air this in BenTV....all my dignity as a human being will fly out the window. lol its funny though. Im jsut tired as hell...ive been in a nonstop whirlwind for about a week and its not gonna end anytime soon. God dammit. i hate school. Id love to take off for a year after graduating but i know thats not gonna happen. Damn. Im still depressed. Dave broke my Jenny's heart. I have to yell at him and beat him to a bloddy pulp. Jenny said that after i recited my poem to the kids at the campfire on the PEER trip, that they were all talking about it and how much it moved them. haha. This isnt a competition, but it proves my point from the last entry. Jose took so much pride in influencing one kid. And in a matter of 5 minutes i influenced them all. HAHA I AM AN EXPERT AT THE INNER WORKING OF PEER! I AM THE MAN! HAHA. lol. So amusing. Hes so cocky...and im jsut so great lol. Man im thinking about what i can write for my colelge essays...im either going to write about my dad and grandmother or peer. I havent decided yet. I dont think im going to even apply to Brown. Right now my top choices are Hamilton or Sara Lawrence. I think itll be hysterical if i get into SL because everyone says i look like Julia Stiles from 10 Things i Hate About You and thats where she went in the movie lol. Who knows. Life is too complicated and im exhausted....night night.
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Bring on the ChAoS.
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Saturday, November 3rd, 2001
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| Subject: | GUh |
| Time: | 10:43 pm. |
| Mood: | exhausted. | | Music: | The Misfits<><>Dig Up Her Bones. |
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I am 41% Raver.
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Well, I have been to a rave. I probably know a bunch of ravers, but they may think of me as an outsider. That's okay, at least I am not a complete freak.
Take the RAVER Test at Fuali.com!
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Ok...and i've never even been to a rave.....odd...
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Bring on the ChAoS.
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| Time: | 10:39 pm. |
| Mood: | busy. | | Music: | Liquid Gang<><> Show Me. |
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Make it all go away.......
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Bring on the ChAoS.
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Friday, November 2nd, 2001
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Well, Wednesday night i went to the System/Slipknot show. Very good stuff. We were in the frist row in teh 2nd tier...i almost plummeted to my death lol...not good. But it really was awesome. Slipknots stage setup was insane..lots of fire and hydrolics as always and System of a Down - my babies were so utterly awesome. American Head Charge was rahter sweet as well and NO one filled in for mudvayne..they really sucked. But as i walked in the door that night there were signs posted ALL over saying Rammstein wasnt performing. I am so pissed about that. Ive wanted to see them since '98 and i finally get my chance and then they drop. I was ranting about that the entire time. It all kinda sucked though cause i really cant get into stadium shows...im addicted to the mosh pit. Some crazy ones that night too. o well. So the next morning i rode up with the 8th graders from #14 and midtown to trout lake for the residential. I dunno...it was ok i guess. But the whole ting kinda made me depressed. Going up there and on the first day i was really upset because i as in the "O my god this is my last residential ever" mode. At the campfire, i recited the poem i got published to them and put a new spin on it. It really worked well. When i was talking not one of them uttered a word...it was werid. But that may also have something to do with the fact that i was crying through the majority of that speech. I dunno. I really didnt want to come back home. I walk off the bus and im flooded with memories of things i have to do, people i have to meet, tests to study for, colleges to apply to. My life is in such a total chaos, and all i wanted to do my senior year is to have a little fun. I dunno. All those annoying feelings are still here. The entire time on the trip...Jose...ugh he just pisses me off. First he hates peer cause he feels out of the group, then after anytown he joins peer and still stays out of the group. The only people he talks to are Erica and Liz...thats it. He'll occasionally utter a word to me....but he always acts so self rightous and he takes this all too seriously i think. Its a time for fun and bondign and everything. I dotn think he realizes that us JUST BEING THERE AND BEING OURSELVES makes a difference to these kids. I know thats how it worked for me. On my 8th grade residential - i was all alone. No one i knew was in my group or cabin - i was the quiet one who never talked for the most part. But after that trip - i was able to walk out of there with a new and differnt outlook. It doesnt matter how much you coax the kids along but how open minded that they are. You cant change that in 2 days so the kids who are eager to take something back home - will. Those who came jsut for the trip and still dont care after 2 days - wont. its really plain and simple. I dunno. People were jsut really pissing me off up there. Everyone else in our "group" will reach out to someone when they look forlorn - they dont to me. Maybe one person will ask if im ok and ill silently nod which for the most part is a giant flashing red light that means NO!. No one gets that or really tries to comfort me if im upset. I guess they do that cause they see me as a leader and maybe they think i dont need anyone? I dunno. If thats the truth ..that hurts...its so much a lie. Im the most fragile person i swear. When i try to reach out to people or start to talk about whats bothering me...all they do is walk away....once again...a good thing...something i wanted to never forget and always have good feelings about - goes straight to hell. Who gives a fuck about ally?
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1 RaGiNg InFeRnO - Bring on the ChAoS.
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Sunday, October 28th, 2001
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| Subject: | argness |
| Time: | 7:43 pm. |
| Mood: | overwhelmed. | | Music: | Black Sabbath<><>The Wizard. |
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Arg........too much homework.....too many tests........too many applications.......dang nabit
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Bring on the ChAoS.
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Saturday, October 27th, 2001
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Tonight was my first night back at work. All that time alone gave me time to think. I feel so angry right now....so angry that im alone. There's no one. It didnt help that when i came home my mom was drunk as fuck. I came home late from work because a bunch of asshole customers kept me there mad late...i just got in. When i came in the bitch started accusing me of going out...drinking...haveing sex..the works. I fucking hate her. I am so alone. There's no one out there that thinks of me first when theyre doing something. Out of sight, out of mind.....i think thats how my friends look at me. Im so busy..i cant help it. If im not there 24-7 at everyone's beck and call...im simply forgotten. Yea everyone likes to give Ally a big F*CK You for no apparent reason. The worst thing is that if i decide to talk to someone about all this...they have no clue what to say to me...no one is any help. Sure they may say "aww ally" and "itll be ok". But is that any comfort whatsoever.....no....hell no. All i need is someone to call me to say hey you wanna go and chill...not even every day or every week. Everyone thinks that im happy cause i act crazy and outgoing. Thats not me...its all a lie. No one can see how miserable i am. I call people my close friends...and they act like they dont even know me. What the hell am i doing wrong? Why is no one there? Even people that i thought could comfort me..someone that went to anytown especially...offers no help. Its the same answers as everyone else. Theres no one i can turn to...no one to care. And it doesnt help that Chris is saying he wants me back and that i want to be with him but hes still in his weird little phase and i dont want to go through all that hurt again. No one knows...no one cares. I hate this...i hate this....it hurts so much.....
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Bring on the ChAoS.
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Yea......lol
I got back from the PEER residential with thew 8th graders last night. Man this one was a rough ride. We were understaffed and the majority of people there were freshman. They really struggled and it didnt help that this group was the group from hell either. Even the expereinced ones that were there - Chris, Anthony, and Missy - had a load of trouble. I was the only one who could handle the kids. I thought i was bein a bitch hlaf the time but teh kids loved me lol. Damn. They must really look up to hs kids lol. A bunch of them were even really upset that i was a senior and that i wouldnt be at the hs nesxt year. The kids that were in my discussion group - Woodrow Children - wouldnt stop giving me hugs and whatnot. They were saying that theyd never see me again. I promised that id come to some of their meetings...and then they hugged me even more. lol.
At one point we watched this movie about discrimination and violence. I thought it was very well done. Back int he discussion group..my kids did pretty well...Some of them were realyl into it. Others needed to be pushed a little. Others said it didnt effect them at all...and it was a pretty powerful movie. Alot of the kids hated it. That really made me sad. But what saddened me most was Anthony. I had built up my leadership skills through PEER and Anytown was like a sensitivity traiing for me- I see things so much easier now. Little phrases that were always easily muttered that could really hurt...i catch with lighting speed. Thanks to Anytown - i felt so.....accomplished and aware. I think the kids sensed that. But Anthony went through the same thing as i did. He initially felt for it more than i did. But now it seems that he has forgotten all of the lessons we learned up there. He did certain things that made me cringe. He seemed different in my eyes on this peer trip. I looked at him and all i saw was a jokester and an attention seeker. He tires to be funnmy and crazy....theres nothing wrong with that...but he seems unable to tell when its appropriate and when its not. I think the reason i was able to control this group was because i was forceful - but not hurtful. The freshman really need to learn this stuff...they were on their own and had no expereinced PEER facilitators to check them. This one girl constantly scolded them. Every time somthing like that happened....i felt it....i felt it for the 8th graders. I knew how those little comments made them feel...they felt hurt and degraded and thats why they didnt listen to them. But....depserate times call for desperate measures. We needed people to come and facilitate and all we had available was them......this time it couldnt be helped. I think im gonna talk to mrs doyle and see if we could have some type of trainging in PEER to make them realize how much these kinds of little comments hurt. TO try to make them aware of how much these little things hurt. But i think alot of them acted that way because they were afraid that they wouldnt have control...so i think the exerted too much power and force over them. I think thats why we were so unsuccessful. At the end..before us hs people left, we had a little discussion/evaluation of the weekend. But i dont think that they really saw what went wrong. It was alot deeper than what they said, although they were on the correct track. They jsut need a little more guidance. hm.....now im gonna start a new program within peer. Maybe jsut with the facilitators. Next year theyll probably officially be facilitators...maybe i can propose to mrs doyle...that there not only be facilitator meetings to organize the PEER meetings,....but also ones to better them as facilitators. I know that before anytown..each year as one...i really didnt improve..all i gained was some mroe confidence. It takes more that that to be really good at what they will have to do....
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Bring on the ChAoS.
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Tuesday, October 23rd, 2001
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And id rather be playing one now. Argness. Still working on this godforsaken english essay. Finished my physics hw. Im the one person in the class that seems to understand it. I think its because theres alot of pictures lol. I got my history essay back too. I got a 90. I think thats the second highest in the class...joy. Everyone else that was in today didnt even come close to that lol. I felt smart. I am so smart, i am so smart S-M-R-T, i am so smart. With the 10 points thats 100 yay!. If i bring up my test grades, ill get a kickass average from him...woohoo. Lets hope so. But i figured out that if i keep up what im doin so far. I should get about a 93.2 GPA instead of a 92.6....which is pretty good. That should get me well into the 20s i think. Id be content with that. If im 24 ill be in teh top 5%...which would be great. But then again maybe im shooting too far. Sweeny was finally in today and i talked to him, so i think im gonna get a letter of recommendation from the big ol prick. Goodie. It better be worth all this trouble dammit.
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Bring on the ChAoS.
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Monday, October 22nd, 2001
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| Subject: | tehe |
| Time: | 8:19 pm. |
| Mood: | disappointed. | | Music: | Rammstein<><>Zweiter. |
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I AM 42% GEEK.
I probably work in computers, or a history
deptartment at a college. I never really
fit in with the "normal" crowd. But I have
friends, and this is a good thing.
Take the GEEK Test at Fuali.com!
^Surprisingly accurate^
Although i thought it would be a tad higher. Why do you have to be a computer geek to be classified as a geek...wrong terminology. Whoever wrote that test was preju-di-ced.
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Bring on the ChAoS.
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| Subject: | Yuck |
| Time: | 8:03 pm. |
| Mood: | nerdy. | | Music: | Rammstein<><>Tier. |
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Working on yet another English essay. I'm actually kind of surprised. We're only having one a month, but i think thats mostly because its usually 2 books in one essay. O well. You wont hear me complain about the number, but you will hear my ranting about the context, such as follows: She gave us an essay topic which was not that difficult a task. Then today in class she turns it on its head and now i have to redo the whole damn thing. Guh. She sucks. I enjoy doing these types of essays but the fact that shes giving us 2 days to do it and that i have work tommorrow doesnt make allyson a happy girl. Dammit
Yea we had another fencing meeting after school. People still joke about the time i won that one match by forefit lol. Good times. Slash! MUAHAHAHA...funess. and with the scary coach men yellin at ya...haha. lol. Sorry i seemed to have slipped into another state of dilusion momenttarily. Alot of people look like theyre gloing to join. Its a good thing but then its not. ARG! i Better not loose my stargin position...id cry dammit.
And i realized that SATII are not that far away...btu do i have time to study??????? >>>>>>>>>NO!@!!!!!!!!! it suckith. O well. Time to quicken my progression into living in a cardboard box. Ship better give our history essays back. I wanna know what i got. I need to read Don Quiote....dammit again. Too much schoolwork ...DAMMIT!
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Bring on the ChAoS.
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Sunday, October 21st, 2001
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1- Chris is retarted and im so over him now...onto brighter horisons. If i ever get with him again..you all have the right to beat the shit out of me. Sorry, Josh. No more detailed porogrpahic accounts for your pleasure.... :(
2- I learned how to play several new songs on my guitar including Scism, Jump, Alive and other dandiness.
3- The total cost of repairing my guitar was *drumroll* about 40 bucks.
4- Now im broke and i havent worked in over a week.
5- DAMN! sorry i just needed to get that out.
6-Asher, Dan, and I still have no way to get to the Pledge of Alliegence Tour....shitness
7- Happy news: An essay i thought was due tommorrow is due TUESDAY! joy! But i have to read Don Quiote for tomm...damn again.
8- Nancy and I got our Jay and Silent Bob Costumes....we shall look rather dandy. I got the fake nosering and all tehe
9 - I gardened some today...if i could id do that all day. I smell like Anise from the fennel seeds....
10- Damn i cant wait for school to be over
11- I wanna be an archaeologist again...lol
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1 RaGiNg InFeRnO - Bring on the ChAoS.
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